You Can’t Fake Regulation: What Your Clients Really Feel in the Therapy Room with Lynn Fraser
You can’t guide someone into a settled nervous system if you haven’t gone there yourself because your clients aren’t listening to your words, they’re listening to you.
I used to think regulation meant staying calm no matter what. That it meant keeping my voice soft, using the right phrasing, and keeping the session “on track.”
But regulation isn’t a performance.
It’s your nervous system’s presence - good, bad, or ugly.
And if you're like me, sometimes your body is the last one to get that memo!
That’s exactly what I talked about with Lynn Fraser, a trauma survivor, meditation teacher, and founder of the Stillpoint Method of Healing Trauma, in our recent conversation.
We dug into what it actually means to stay regulated as a therapist, not in theory, but actually in your body, and what happens when your own nervous system hasn’t caught up to the work you’re trying to do.
Lynn reminded me that we can’t fake safety. Our clients feel our regulation long before they hear our words. And she led me through a simple breathing practice that gave my body the cue it needed to come back online.
When “Doing It Right” Isn’t Regulation
Most of us who work with trauma know how to look regulated on the outside, right? We keep breathing. We nod. We say, “Take your time.”
But inside? Sometimes, we’re bracing. Our breath gets shallow. Our chest tightens.
We know the concept of co-regulation inside and out. We teach it, model it, remind our clients that safety lives in the body. But when it comes to our own nervous systems, that same wisdom can get lost under all the “shoulds” we’ve absorbed about what a “good therapist” looks like.
But it’s not a failure when our bodies go offline, it’s just physiology.
And, like any physiological state, it can change.
Why This Is So Hard for Therapists
We’re trained to stay composed. We’re rewarded for being the calmest person in the room. But regulation isn’t about composure, it’s about human connection.
Lynn Fraser, founder of the Stillpoint Method of Healing Trauma, says that when we’re dysregulated, “the most important thing we can do is give our bodies experiences of safety.”
That means we can’t think our way back into balance; we have to feel our way there.
In our conversation, Lynn reminded me that true regulation doesn’t come from a script. It comes from breath, from presence, from the subtle cues that tell the body, you’re safe enough to stay.
And then she guided me through a simple exercise that changed the entire energy of the moment.
The Physiological Sigh: A 60-Second Reset
When Lynn walked me through this in our interview, it wasn’t ceremonial or “woo.” She just said, “Let’s breathe for a second.”
Here’s what she taught, simple and fast:
How to do it:
Take a steady inhale through your nose.
Without exhaling, take one small “top-off” inhale through your nose.
Exhale slowly through pursed lips, like you’re breathing out through a thin straw.
Repeat two or three times.
That’s it. Two inhales, one long exhale.
It’s called the physiological sigh, and it’s one of the body’s built-in resets. The double inhale fully expands your lungs; the long exhale signals the parasympathetic system, the part that says, we’re safe enough to stay.
Try it now before you keep reading. Don’t overthink it, just breathe.
What Makes This Practice So Powerful
When we do the physiological sigh, we’re not just “relaxing.” We’re changing the chemical environment of the body in real time.
That second quick inhale reinflates the tiny air sacs in the lungs that collapse under stress, improving oxygen exchange.
The long, slow exhale increases carbon dioxide slightly, which signals the brainstem that it’s safe to downshift.
In other words: two breaths and an exhale literally tell your nervous system, we’re okay now.
This isn’t about control, rather communication between body and brain, therapist and client.
When we practice that communication with ourselves, our physiology becomes steadier, our voice softens, our facial muscles relax, and our clients’ nervous systems notice.
That’s not metaphor. That’s co-regulation at work: mirror neurons, facial cues, and micro-shifts in breath all syncing between two people until safety becomes shared.
The more fluently we can speak that language in our own bodies, the safer our sessions feel without either of us saying a word.
Building Regulation Into Our Work
We can’t co-regulate with our clients if we haven’t practiced regulation in our own bodies.
That doesn’t mean meditating for an hour a day or escaping to the woods between sessions (although that sounds amazing!).
Realistically, it means finding quick, consistent ways to come home to yourself, right in the middle of your workday.
One long exhale before you open the next chart.
One round of double-inhale breathing before supervision.
One moment to feel your feet on the floor before you answer that next email.
These are micro-practices of safety. Not self-care extras, but nervous-system maintenance. Each one reminds your body: You’re not performing calm. You’re creating safety.
Reflect Before You Leave
Before you move on, take a breath and consider:
When does my body leave the room during a session?
What helps it return?
What if regulation isn’t about being calm, but being connected?
Now, try one round of the physiological sigh — double inhale through the nose, slow exhale through pursed lips.
Notice what shifts. That’s your nervous system responding to presence.
Want to Go Deeper?
To learn more from Lynn Fraser, visit LynnFraserStillpoint.com.
Lynn is a senior teacher in the Himalayan Yoga Meditation tradition and the founder of the Stillpoint Method of Healing Trauma. She’s also the creator of the Radical Recovery Summit, where she’s interviewed trauma leaders like Gabor Maté, Deb Dana, Stephen Porges, Resmaa Menakem, and more.
She offers daily live guided meditations, trauma-informed courses, and community spaces for nervous-system healing.
You can also find her work on Insight Timer Live and social media at Lynn Fraser Stillpoint.
Join the BRAVE Collective
Inside The BRAVE Trauma Therapist Collective, we practice the kind of embodied regulation Lynn teaches together.
We explore what it looks like to stay grounded in session, to reconnect between sessions, and to keep your nervous system online while you do the work you love.
Join us for $12/month at braveproviders.com/brave.
And before you click away, take one more physiological sigh.
Inhale.
Sip in a little more air.
Exhale slowly through that straw.
That’s you, coming back to yourself.
